I found an overwhelmingly amount of peace amidst my tragedy. With confidence, I told myself and others that God allowed things to happen for reasons beyond the grasp of my limited comprehension. My pain led me to deepen my relationship with God, yet my feet were standing on a belief that I had a dense understanding of. Reflecting on those dark moments I see how fine the line is between good and evil; being saved or being lost. With time I released myself of the belief that what I faced was a price I paid because I was unworthy of love.
My heart burned – it begged me to search for more – there was something outside of my mind that recognized the “Truth,” but the voice of my mind silenced the pleading voice that provoked curiosity. My soul wrestled with the limited and unlimited truth, but many times I allowed my mind’s voice to speak louder than the voice of Truth.
Self-discovery began when I dived into my faith. There were alternative ways to handle my grief – each with its own set of risks- and it was only through the process of grief and heartache that my relationship with Christ was defined. It was in that process that I realized my humanness and the frailty of life. It was through that suffering that I questioned the importance of our lives and actions. It was only through that tragedy that I let go of everything I thought I was, and the curiosity of who I am in Christ arose. By humbling myself before God I acknowledged that I am only but a small part of a bigger picture that is controlled and taken care of by a being greater than I am.
My mistake , ignorance of faith, could have cost me my salvation. I was comfortable with my limited understanding until my heart’s pain was inconsolable. Thankfully I turned to God when I was at the end of my rope, and I no longer look at the mistakes I made along the way with shame. It’s scary to think of the alternative routes I could have ventured on and the richness I would have missed. I praise God every day for giving me a heart that searched for him and for granting me freedom from the bondage of my mistakes. Before Christ I was moving with the flow of life, unaware of what existed outside of my bubble. With Christ, I am aware of all the uncertainty that exists around me yet I am anchored on the one Truth that is unchanged.
I am not defined by my circumstances or my mistakes. My character was defined by my reaction to my circumstances and my moving forward despite my mistakes.
In my darkest hour, I was saved by the light. Only when I let go of the worldly things I clung to did I discover my identity in Christ.