Beware! Approach with caution!
I am a woman who sometimes transforms herself into a fierce, untamed woman. Sometimes nature is to blame; one has to accept that hormones may cause me to flare up. If hormones are the culprit, I kindly ask that you not expect me to be conscientious of this small detail. Pointing this out will only add fuel to the untamed beast running wild. Sometimes pushing my buttons is the cause; anything you point out which is in opposition to my point of view may trigger the transformation. It really would be much easier if you could agree to disagree and silently correct me in your head, or maybe you can list all the reasons why you’re “right” on paper and as a reward, you can frame the list and hang it up in your office. The point is it really would be best for everyone involved that you just give me the nod of approval as we speak and correct me when I’m out of hearing distance. Let’s be honest, it’s not as if you were going to change my mind anyway.
Sometimes not reading my mind is the cause. I mean, I try REALLY hard to express myself, but you don’t read between the lines. I tell you “I don’t care” but what I really mean is “help me figure out all the places I don’t want to eat at until I come up with the place I want.” Then there are the times I can’t get you to hear the loud “NO THANKS” hidden in my “ok” when you suggest a place for dinner. Unfortunately, not picking up on the “no thanks” almost guarantees to make the dining experience unpleasant for both of us. The entire evening will be devoted to making sure I point out every little thing that is wrong before, during, and after dinner so that you never take me back to that “no thanks” place again. Sometimes my insecurities are to blame. I realize I’ve failed in some way. Perhaps I’m flaunting my stuff (either new hairdo, nails, outfits, work accomplishment, organizing skills, etc.) but you’re completely oblivious to what’s happening. Sometimes I’m bothered that everything bothers me, which only pushes me closer to the edge. Sometimes it’s the silence I’ve kept locked up in my soul for too long, so I decide to speak up for all the wrong reasons to make up for the fights we’ve had in my head months before. Unfortunately, I may end up speaking up at all the wrong times and for all the wrong reasons.
It feels good to let this wild unruly side take control. Let her run wild. Let her snap back at others to balance off any pain that may be kept inside. It feels good to be freed from the sensitive emotional roller coaster ride mess I was BEFORE I let this fierce woman take control. I’m going to show everyone. I am fierce. I am strong. I won’t breakdown. I don’t care. Be warned!! This untamed woman knows no logic and there’s no telling when she’ll stop in her tracks.
At times the above describes my true, but shameful, the battle of self. Thankfully this isn’t often, but it does happen. To say that I’m perfectly calm and in control of my emotions 24/7 is a lie. I was recently pushed over the edge after having an AMAZING morning and I saw how easy it was for that happy to bothered switch to be flipped. I kind of let myself off the hook because 1) it’s me 2) I’m a woman so I play the hormones card when convenient and 3) I’m kind of used to my madness.
Then I wondered why person or a situation has the power to ruin my ENTIRE day. Why do I go from doing the happy dance in the morning to being the scrooge by the afternoon? The answer was simple, I have other masters than God; idols if you will. I need things to line up a certain way. I need a certain amount of recognition. I need to feel validated. Saying the wrong thing or pointing out my wrongdoings will make me feel less valuable, vulnerable, weak, imperfect. My mind – my heart – want to believe that I’m the diamond in the rough, a treasure, but I don’t want to go through the rough to shine like a diamond. I know the power of my words, yet I let them loose because of my pain. I don’t tame my unruly tongue. I’ve improved. I’m not as drastic as before. My unruly tongue and I have come a long way, but we still have ways to go before she’s under control. I’ll bite it when I feel the urge to snap. I bite it when the voice in my head starts fueling the fire so that my attention focuses somewhere else.
Where’s God when I transform into this puff the magic dragon? He’s there, but I remove Him (the one constant) from the equation. I turn to him AFTER – but not DURING – the whole fiasco. I don’t use Him to filter and tame myself. It’s a struggle to pause and use His strength DURING the battle of the tongue. Why does the adrenaline rush sometimes feel so good by giving me a false boost of the ego, a false send that the mean things I say and do in retaliation for the pain I feel make me stronger? I have to find validation in my identity with Christ instead of transforming myself into this fierce, untamed woman struggling to maintain my validation.
Sometimes I am wrong, maybe even a lot of times. That’s FINE! That doesn’t mean I have to crumble and become defensive and let the inner diva run loose. I need to learn to pause and own who I am. No longer be flimsy about who I am so that any word that I interpret as criticism or harsh has the ability to crumble my worth.I am closing this post with a prayer. Recognition is the first step – I can’t focus on spilled milk – I need to find ways to stop myself in my tracks, determined to be proactive about tapping into God for help on taming this fierce unruly woman. I need to keep working on my reaction journal. Now I can laugh at the above description because we all have our moments. I can either pretend these moments don’t happen or I can embrace my humanness and use them to help my future.
Jesus – I humbly pray that you help me on my journey of taming the tongue. I pray that I find ways to respond gently. I pray that I learn to season my words with love and kindness. I pray that I learn to pause before I speak. I pray that I become more confident in my identity. I pray that I am unfazed by situations that provoke insecurities. I pray that I dance forever to the music you sing to my soul. I pray that “come what may” my heart and soul are held steady in your love.
32 If you have been foolish, exalting yourself,
or if you have been devising evil,
put your hand on your mouth.
James 3:1-12 Taming the Tongue
3 Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, for you know that we who teach shall be judged with greater strictness. 2 For we all make many mistakes, and if any one makes no mistakes in what he says he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body also. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses that they may obey us, we guide their whole bodies. 4 Look at the ships also; though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So the tongue is a little member and boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire!
6 And the tongue is a fire. The tongue is an unrighteous world among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the cycle of nature,[a] and set on fire by hell.[b] 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by humankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue—a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brethren, this ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening fresh water and brackish? 12 Can a fig tree, my brethren, yield olives, or a grapevine figs? No more can salt water yield fresh.