While my fiancé and I had dinner at Olive Garden I became emotional remembering the dinners my family and I shared at the same location we were visiting, more importantly when my grandmother was alive. My grandmother was an AMAZING woman. She was my half, my teammate, my double-trouble partner, everything one could imagine about two people coming together and having an absolute blast. We understood each other. I miss her presence and I need her happiness which was contagious. We (my family) aren’t the same without her. She’s the missing piece that filled our dinners with laughter, she made the party come alive. This thought knocks the wind out of me.
I paused and had some of that fun self-talk I love.
My grandmother is gone. No matter how hard I try I cannot recreate those moments with her. I will never feel what I felt in those moments again. That was unique to us and we enjoyed it. Being able to relive those moments is out of my control, aside from emotionally torturing myself as I lament on her absence. I need to use those memories to strengthen me, to fill me with happiness because I was blessed to experience it.However, in regards to the sadness, it needs to go. I can’t allow it to continue anchoring my soul.
I need to move on. I need to let go.
I need to stop looking in the rear view mirror because the backward glancing is making me miss out on the NOW. I’m missing out on LIVING! I’ve been overwhelmed with thoughts of the past; thinking about what I’ve lost, wishing I would’ve slowed down time and enjoyed the moments. Wishing she would be with me planning our wedding, having fun with me in a way only she and I could. Wishing my daughter could’ve gotten a taste of her sweet soul and beautiful energy.
What is all this wishing doing to me? It’s keeping me in a state of depression instead of celebration. My grandmother lost my grandfather a year before I was born, she loved that man with all her soul, but she continued living! She may have fallen apart sporadically as expected, but she loved without fear, she danced, she was happy, she lived, she held me, she laughed. She wasn’t paralyzed by her pain. I saw her fall apart due to emphysema and dementia, but she remained a happy soul though she had plenty of reasons to be bitter.
I have lost myself in so much sadness that I don’t remember how it is to just giggle, laugh uncontrollably at the smallest thing, to live free. I’ve lost the childlike soul I had because I’ve let fear and death paralyze a piece of my heart. I’ve let the crosses of my past become too heavy for me to carry. I’ve been too accustomed to being a victim in the story of a tragedy that I find it hard to embrace the happiness I’ve been praying for my entire life.
I made it- I did it- God delivered me from my pain and tears. But I repeat the mistake that so many of those found in the bible made; they continued lamenting, asking for more, it was never enough. They still managed to harden their hearts and find something to moan about, even daring to say that their previous imprisonment was better than the conditions of their deliverance. It’s like we prefer the sadness and abuse we are accustomed to because we know the routine and the sorrow that comes with it, versus receiving a promise of peace that may have specs of uncomfortable or difficulties, but it still does not compare to the life we previously lived.
My life has never been better, I am living a dream come true. I know everyone else believes it to be true with their spouses, but I can say with certainty that my fiancé is the best of the best. He’s the answer to my prayers. He’s my gift from God. Unfortunately, the ghosts of the past are clouding the moment.
In the past I dreamed about the future, begging time to pass by quickly so that I could finish school, work, and have my own family. My dream was to be a loving wife and mother. Spend all my days filling my home with laughter, playing with my children, loving and cooking for my husband, and praising God along the way. Now, I look back wishing I could’ve taken it in more. Now I have to STOP looking back or looking forward and take in the NOW! I need to start living.
Now is the time to create memories worth looking back on. Now is the time for me to create the memories my daughter and I can look back on. The memories my fiance and I can look back on laughing at the wedding planning craziness. I share this because I’m sure that like me there are many out there stuck looking back. I share this because I think the past nor the future are “happier” we find a way to be happy where we are with what we have. Happy is something we carry within. I want to carry my grandmother’s memory with me, I want to dance and laugh at her. I want to live freely in her honor. One important thing came to my mind, if the past was so perfect why was I always looking towards the future. Now that I’m in the future I’m looking in the past. I always think that everything else, except what I have, is what I need to be complete, to be happy. How about I start embracing the now and enjoy what I have. Let tomorrow worry about itself. It’s all up to God anyway.
Join me in taking a step out of the past into the present before life passes us by and we are filled with more regret.
13 Brethren, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead Philippians 3:13