For the past two weeks, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. As we approach our wedding day (24 days and counting) unhealed wounds have resurfaced and dragged the pain of the past into the present. The past two weeks have been spiritually trying; different emotions were pulling me in different directions; fear, love, hope, optimism, pessimism, realism, faith, trust, belief, disbelief, etc. I was running around in circles without direction. Although the experience has been emotionally draining, I’m grateful that my fiancé and I are more conscientious of the commitment we are making before God.
We had two options. We would crumble, quit, walk away, and allow this experience to endorse our greatest fear; that we aren’t going to make it. Or we would accept this pain as a gift or warning from God that there is some ugliness, unresolved pain, in the midst of us that would threaten the beauty of our marriage commitment if we didn’t unite and tackle the issues as a team, supporting each other through our struggles.
In these two weeks, I’ve disconnected from many except those that I entrust to be my prayer warriors to help me find peace. I prayed fervently, I cried and poured my heart out to God. Through this process, I found a beautiful truth, we were fighting something else and not each other.
We are not each other’s enemy. What a beautiful relief!
Through our misunderstandings we might see each other dressed up as the enemy; all the wrong words used, one of us – not understanding the pain, triggers, or the battle of the mind the other is facing -becomes frustrated, and out of desperation says all the wrong things. Deeper wounds are the result. The unknowing party portrayed as the bigger monster of the two. Neither one of us is fighting the battle of the present. We are in the present fighting the fight of our pasts. We didn’t understand why certain issues were a big deal; they’re a big deal because there was a time in our lives when we didn’t speak up about small things that transformed into injustices that hurt us to the core.
I’ve been waiting what feels like a lifetime to heal; correct the wrong done to me. I’ve walked through life putting Band-Aids on my scars, thinking I did everything necessary to heal. I’ve built walls to protect myself from the hurt I believe is a reality of life; we should all expect this pain, it’s only a matter of time before things become not so rosy and the monster I’ve seen in many people will rear its ugly head in my fiancé. My lovely fiancé, without a deep understanding or awareness of the walls I’ve built, would step on my detonators as he got uncomfortably close to my walls, and boy was he burned. We both shut down, utterly confused by what was happening. I relived the past. I was fighting a different battle, and he was unaware why his words and actions shook me to the core. He didn’t understand the depth my sorrow. He started fighting his battles from his past. I was unaware of his battles, and my confusion grew; not knowing his pain nor my sorrow. We became silent after the emotional tornado, not understanding all that took place, wanting to help one another but not sure how.
Orly is the love of my life. Even in the moments when I doubt whether we can overcome these difficulties, I never consider the option of anyone else. I cannot envision either one of us creating a different life that excludes the other. We are connected by an invisible thread, connected even when we are emotionally disconnected. We have a trust embedded in our soul that this is IT for us. We are in it until the end. Our inability to understand and help the other hurts us. We want to be everything the other needs, we want to be enough, but in these two weeks, I’ve learned that this is a job neither one of will ever fill. We are not qualified, and it is not our responsibility.
We have a PERMANENT, LOVING, UNCHANGED, and PERFECT God. If we allow God to be everything that He is, we will have a steady source of everlasting love. I forget about the security of God’s love because I cannot touch God or see Him the way my humanness desires.
I am a Child of God. I am loved. He created me. He will be there when I’m called home. He will love me until the end of time. He will love me in ways that I am not capable of loving. He will love me despite my lack of acknowledgment for the ways I’ve disappointed or disrespected Him. I am His.
God is Our Father! When we cry He’s with us, He feels our pain. He understands us more than we can understand ourselves. He wants to save us and take us out of darkness, that’s why He gave us Jesus, the treasure of His love. We did not have any way of repaying the debt for the sins committed; we had no hope. We barely understand the things we do; luckily we have the comfort of knowing we are already saved, our sins are washed. Every second is an opportunity to be made new because of Jesus! All we have to do is accept Him, follow His ways, and open our hearts to His will. God doesn’t want us down in the slumps. He loves and saved us like no one else can or has. He transforms things from the inside out. The beauty we get from being His cannot be faked. It’s a joy we get from hope. What’s impossible to man, is possible to God. Things we thought were unfixable untangle themselves without any possible explanation, and are resolved. Miracles happen every day.
We need to heal. We need God. God will transform us. Mirroring the love of our loving, fair, and tenderhearted Father will put us on the right track towards healing and creating beautiful memories that will overshadow the painful dark ones. God willing, my fiancé and I have a wonderful journey waiting ahead. With each passing day, we become more aware of our need for God’s love and mercy. We need to stay anchored in prayer. By remaining connected to God, we pour His love into our relationship and fill the gaps that are unreachable to us because of our human limitations. By bringing God into the center, we accept our human frailty, we accept our failures, and we ask God to be what only He can be. The void we feel cannot be filled by anything or anyone except God. We will be waiting an entire lifetime for this type of love if we do not accept all that He is and all that we are.
My hope is not that I become my fiancé’s goddess and that he places me on a pedestal believing that I will be his everything. I hope that I can be a vessel of God’s love in His life. I hope that he can be a vessel of God’s love in my life. I hope that when the trying times come we take each other to God, as we did with this issue, and allow His word to guide our way. I hope that as the years pass we can give testimony to the power of God. That through the Sacrament of marriage God transformed our lives and showed us how to love.